ISIS Fighter Struggles With New Year Diet, Still Trying To Cut Down On Carbs

Posting on Instagram from his shelled-out studio flat in Raqqah, ISIS militant Daoud Mahmoud announced plans January 1st for a low-carb diet, appending the hashtag “#NewYearNewMe.”

One month on, the jihadist tweeted, “@TheRealAbuBakralBaghdadi re: diet, still strugglin, prtty sure imprilist gregrian calndr is haram but got2 cut down somehow lol x fyi @BasharAlAssad”

Baghdadi later retweeted the post, replying “.@DaveInSyria i know m8 got me some echinacea tablets on order from amazon too, getting too many colds #winter #old”.

Fears are rising that the move could be just the beginning of a so-called “ISIS diet,” and British teachers have been advised to closely monitor those beginning to look uncharacteristically trim or refusing to eat canteen chips.

An unnamed source close to ISIS confirmed intelligence reports Friday that suggest Mahmoud is focusing on muesli in the mornings and trying to stick to just miso soup for lunch. In between meals and murders, the fighter reportedly snacks on up to 10 almonds a day.

Baghdadi has reportedly started the 22-day Beyonce Vegan Diet after the diva revealed her massive weight-loss secret on ABC’s Good Morning America in June. At the time, he tweeted “.@Beyonce am on day12 of #vegan diet. don’t care what #Farakhan says, you #halal sister.”

Approached for comment on Islamist behavioral patterns in the context of the horrific siege on Madaya that made headlines everywhere earlier this month but that no one really talks about anymore, Prof. Mandy Wheel-Chair, a Slough-based mixologist and foreign affairs analyst, commented “the f*ck are you and how did you get this number.”♦

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